Not to be confused with this. Luh you, but you do that on your own time. I’m BACK, Biddies, and it feels grand! Considering that I only managed four hours of sleep last night and the most nutritious thing I’ve eaten in the past three days is a martini olive (edited to add: this was true yesterday… have since overhauled my wellness routine.) I think I’m functioning at an impressively non-zombie level. But this girl needs some
BRAINS greens and a good night’s sleep, and I’m willing to bet that some of you are likewise burning your last metaphorical Chanukah/Kwanzaa menorah candle at both ends. So, as usual, I’m here to preach exactly what I need to hear: reasonable ways to stay well this Festivus season.
1. Too much
Pabst Glögg makes you feel like crapst you’re in a fög? …Like eating the entire yule lög? Thanks RhymeZone. Look. You all know my health philosophy. To quote myself (who DOES that?), “actual food is but one facet of nourishment. Equally important means of sustenance include sleep, sex, intellectual stimulation, exercise, an alleged purpose, a happy home, a baller support system and dreamin’.” The antioxidants in red wine and the … antibacterial properties?… in whiskey don’t make up for the fact that alcohol straight up steamrolls your thinkin’ wrinkles/ synapses into brain pavement, so that you’re left helplessly making out with the hired elf at your office Christmas party or maniacally munching through the spoils of your family cookie exchange. As usual, it’s about balance, and know that I’m largely counseling myself when I say three cosmos does not a dinner make.
I get it: you want to partake in the season of celebration but you have 14 dollars in your bank account, so you prioritize martinis at Creepy Bistro ahead of food #projecting. Finals/a ridiculous year-end workload/the general anxiety of buying stuff for your loved ones (more on that in a mo’) and still managing to pay your rent and feed your mouth make for a truly hectic December with myriad reasons to imbibe. Plus, it’s not a celebration without pink, sprinkle-rimmed Ke$ha Kocktails!
The final word is this: you are presumably an adult. If not, get off the internet, Bebe! Go skip rocks or play with fireworks or something. Whatever kids do, Idk. BUT AS AN ADULT, you should know what alcohol to food ratio leads to optimum enjoyment as opposed to embarrassment/sickness/insta-sleep. And if you nodded in agreement in regards to my “I have money for alcohol OR food” dilemma (bless you! solidarity!), then girl… we just gotta make it work. If you’re anything like me, you could stand to cut a little frivolity with your spending. Not all the frivolity… that’s boring. But you can’t live like Holly Golightly on champagne alone. I know. I’ve tried. Sell your used Prada pumps and go buy some groceries.
2. Healthy eating can be festive eating. Observe:
Fancy-ass collage, amirite? You guys, assembling beautiful things is one of my favorite pastimes. Example, here’s the bustier/former burlesque skunk costume I’m re-purposing for our Ke$ha Kri$tmas party tomorrow:
I also apply this principle to bedazzling my meals. Example: I don’t want to eat a plate full of raw kale, but I DO want to eat a rainbow bowl overflowing with the precious jewels of MOTHER NATURE. Gussy that sh*t up.And I know it’s super weird to snap pictures of everything you eat, but if you pause to appreciate every edible work of art you create, you’ll start to think about food differently. Taste the rainbow, Homies.
3. Stop worrying about buying the “perfect present” for every human you know. This one’s really hard for me. In my youth (so yesterday and all the days proceeding it), I put a TON of energy into purchasing and packaging the most thoughtful gifts for everyone I loved, and I expected the same kind of effort and attention in return. But after years of spending and stressing and running around and then having the nerve to be disappointed when others didn’t share my terrifying zeal for, you know, winning Christmas… I’ve decided that I’m done freaking out. My family and friends will enjoy my company more if I’m not frantic and/or giving them all one big side eye for not commissioning Father John Misty to sing me O Holy Night because that’s what I REALLY want. I’ll give what I can afford, time-wise and money-wise, and I’ll relish the opportunity to hang out with loved ones, because that’s all anyone really cares about, anyway.
That’s all for you, Darlings! I’ve missed you around here lately. Trust me when I say that I’m anxious for things to normalize a little so I can check in more often. Take care of yourselves this holiday season!