Glitter Bugs! As I write this, I am sporting a goose poop-green peat face mask that smells like the sea. I am reveling in the sad-sexy glory that is CAT POWER and crisp champagne candles on a Sunday. I am sippin’ on 32 oz. of green drank (behold!) …
…and reflecting on the age old too-introspective-for-her-own-good, hyper-educated-but-lost-bohemian-lady-question: WHAT IS MY LIFE?
You’ll get a lot of that on this blog.
The only reasonably good answer I’ve come up with is: I’m coming to understand what I want out of life a little bit better every day. I say that as if this realization is no biggie, but holy moly – I spent so much of my sweet, guileless youth (oh so long ago… like three whole weeks!) utterly desperate to know what would fulfill me and to be doing it. As a result, I’ve done a whole bunch of digging in the hopes of uncovering some glimmering nuggets of self awareness. Dig. Am I happier as a social butterfly or a hairy-legged hermit? Dig. What are the non-negotiables in my quest for a satisfying career? Dig dig dig. What sort of dude can balance out my crazy in a relationship? What does my body like?
All this digging resulted in some hella weird phases. There was that long-term college co-ed phase when I was always out with my hos and also said things like “my hos;” when I tried not to question my career path of choice (I double majored in opera performance and poetry: practicality has never been my strong suit) because I was afraid that I didn’t have the passion to wholeheartedly pursue it; went on loads of dates both good and bad with boys who were just as confused as I was, and was in constant “detox” mode to make up for my drunken binges… or constant binge mode to make up for all that detoxing (ack hem: not eating).
My next phase ventured to the other extreme: I preferred to be alone studying my crafts and/or watching Project Runway, spent all of my time worrying about my future as opposed to none of it, stuck with one guy and went vegan!… but approached veganism with the same goal I’d had with all of my diets: get really, really skinny. Like really.
Now I’m 25. Flora and fauna, I have spent this blissful weekend as a complete shut in because I needed it and I know enough now to acknowledge when utter hermit-dom is in order… but I have lots of plans next weekend that I intend to honor because when I’m rested and feelin’ good (key) I am most definitely an extrovert. In terms of my occupation – guys, I’m so pumped. FINALLY, finally I’ve figured out the purpose I want to serve… the target for all of my talents. I want to help women tap into their authentic selves and do their collective thang. I want to empower people like this super fly chick or this one. I haven’t totally settled on the “how” yet, but I’m still basking in the pleasure of identifying the “what.” And don’t even get me started on the “when” because I’m just trusting in the universe to make it happen. Which brings us to love…. ah, love. I’m a recently single lady… another explanation, perhaps, for all of my hermit-dom (and an excuse for watching six episodes of Downton Abbey in a row) and I’m clearly relishing the alone time. But I’m not feeling as man-hater-y as I have with prior breakups and, instead, have a clearer understanding of the type of guy I might want to try next time. And as for caring for myself… I’m a woman on the move. I know I like a bit of cardio and some nice, deep stretching every single day. And I’m still a vegan! But now I eat all of this:
Things are on the ups It just takes patience. Tell me, what have you figured out about yourself? What kooky phases have you gone and subjected your loved ones to?
So much more to come. Smooches,